Thursday, January 7, 2016

Women suck at being failures

Commentator Cynthia left this comment at Dalrock's which I wanted to highlight and share:

The sad truth of the matter is, some women do some pretty horrible things without realizing how horrible they are. We react without considering the ethics of what we’re doing, and once negative consequences become apparent, we explain it away. There’s not always intent to harm, even when injury is the outcome. Feminism has largely taken the burden of responsibility away from females; there is no longer any external societal pressure to honestly evaluate one’s motives or behaviors. We’re encouraged to run on pure instinct and fancy it morality. It’s feral, and objectively amoral, but with female solipsism being what it is, she may not understand that what she’s doing is wrong.

From what I’ve seen, the ability to mentally twist even the worst personal vice into virtue is an innate female quality that men neither share nor understand. To you guys, it all looks pre-meditated and therefore, cynical, but the truth is so much worse. Men generally stop when they know they’re doing wrong; women refuse to even see it in the first place. Not that women lack reason. Men typically evaluate the morality of what they’re about to do or have done based on reason and fact, but women tend rationalize based on emotion, self- evaluate only after the fact and will justify not doing so if they suspect the answer won’t be to their liking. Cynical women are aware of the hamster; most don’t see it until reality forces them to.

Last night I watched some American Idol auditions. A husband and wife team came to audition together and compete with each other. Something I would highly advise a wife to NEVER do. She seemed so sure of herself and that her singing ability was superior to his. You'll wonder too, while you watch it, how she could have believed that. Has she never heard him sing? 


She's a bit disrespectful and sassy to begin with and he comes across as a doting Beta husband who is about to learn, while being recorded, what his dear, sweet wife is capable of: the inability to stop, think, take a thought captive, take responsibility, and especially the inability a woman has, while in an emotional state, to hold back the vile thoughts that cross her mind as she rationalizes and justifies her failure. 

First it was the judges fault: "I did my best and it was sad that they couldn't just focus on my singing"

No, sweetie, they heard you sing, we all did. You have as sweet soft voice that should be singing lullabies to that baby. Your husband, on the other hand, should be singing on my radio filling the Meatloaf void (Celine who?).

Next it was, of course, her husband's fault - he was distracting her:  "Jordan was dancing with her on the ground." (Notice the pure shock on his face after she said that.)

Then came the emotional manipulation masked in brutal confession which was an obvious lie, ie a shit test: "I've never been good enough."

As a mother of teenage daughters, it has become my primary mission to train them to not react in this way. I keep a very attentive ear. If I hear a whisper of these sour thoughts and behaviors (and false humility or false self-deprecation), we discuss it. They are reminded, in even the most seemingly inconsequential situations to reject their solipsism and embrace empathy. They are instructed to stop. They are instructed to keep their mouths shut and think.

I am, by no means, immune to it. I walk myself through these steps. At times I fail. Analyzing and evaluating our motives and behaviors (before speaking) isn't fun - we are forced to recognize how foul our first thoughts can be. "What is wrong with me?" 

Our husbands can be very valuable assets in helping us with this. Most men, by nature, do not have this challenge and are usually very gracious about instructing us how they process things. We can be honest with them (they already know and remain married to us despite these shortcomings). When you've identified a circumstance where your initial reaction is to blame others, justify your behavior, and avoid responsibility or reality, ask them what their thoughts would be. Ask them how they avoid, in their minds, this desperate need to protect themselves by rationalizing. Observe them and pay close attention to their empathetic responses to people.

One of my favorite places to observe men is at sporting competitions. Our last 16 team wrestling tournament was perfect for this. We were in a very close battle for first place. All of our fans knew which matches needed to be won and which teams needed to lose in order for the points to fall in our favor. Our fans were loud, their fans were loud, it was intense and came down to the final two simultaneous matches. The final standings were being announced and as soon as we heard who took second, our fans erupted knowing we took first. As the celebration started settling down, the coach of the second place team walked up to our coaches and in the most gracious manner congratulated them, told them how awesome our young men wrestled and what an exciting tournament it was. His facial expressions were genuine without a hint of sour grapes.

Let's be like that, ladies. Let's reject the lie that our instinctual reactions are moral, let's develop awareness of our behaviors. Let's take every thought captive. Let's not wait until we're on national television and some blogger writes about our embarrassing display of the very worst of our natures. 

9 comments:

  1. The difference between them when they were watching eachother was huge. He was supporting her and loving on her, he looked so proud of his wife while she was singing. When he sang, she looked at him like that girl we all know who hates you but always talks in such a sweet voice.

    I wouldnt be surprised if he decided not to go after all. She was laying on the guilt trip thick at the end. If this would have ended up the other way around you can tell he would have been so excited for her that at least one of them got in.

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    1. When he sang, she looked at him like that girl we all know who hates you but always talks in such a sweet voice.

      I wonder if he saw that when he watched it back. I sure hope (and it would be immensely valuable to that wife if) this is an awakening for him and not a time when he acquiesces to her.

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  2. Eduardo the MagnificentJanuary 7, 2016 at 10:08 PM

    Men know that the world doesn't revolve around them. That wrestling coach knew that he needed your team to compete against in order to judge the progress of his team, and that bad competition makes bad judges. That's why rules matter so much: winning for the sake of winning isn't always the point. Women really only care about the final score and how it affects them. The competition for alpha men is fierce, and the only thing, and I mean the only thing, that matters is whether or not you won him. You have to be incredibly selfish for that strategy to work. Since men don't have to be so cutthroat in their dating, they can relax a bit and shake hands. There will always be another girl, and match.

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    1. This is an excellent comment...so many things...

      You have to be incredibly selfish for that strategy to work

      From a man's perspective this is true, it would have to be a selfish strategy. To a woman it is not a plan, it is not thought out nor contemplated. It's just in there. So while men learn the strategies of relational success (one of the most important being the abundance mentality), women need to deprogram their preset inclinations. Winning the Alpha brings with it a myriad of other challenges and responsibilities (much to their surprise). And, like the cute little wife in my post, most women should carefully analyze if they have the inner strength and integrity within them to even be in the running.

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    2. I find the allusion to wrestling very interesting. As we all know high schools allow inter gender matches in this sport. While most matches are decided fairly with boys winning the majority of contests, there have been some where girls were given an unfair advantage by the referees. Because of this, the girls 'won' those matches.

      A while ago there was a video in youtube which showed where girls tried to get an advantage by pinching the boy in the groin. Several got away with it. Somehow everyone in the stands saw the infraction except for the referee who awarded the win to the girl. I don't know if that video is still available on YT. On still another video, a boy has a girl's shoulders pinned to the mat for five seconds - but the referee refuses to call a pin. The boy got very frustrated. Then after another minute the girl turned it around and the referee immediately called a pin in her favor. The boy graciously shook her hand afterwards though he was clearly robbed of a fair call and win.


      But wrestling is hardly unique among scholastic sports. I have read in high school field hockey games where girls routinely hit boys in the groin with their sticks. In one instance (I believe this was in summer league series) a girl purposefully struck a boy in the head with her stick and he was rendered unconscious. He woke up hours later in a hospital. I do not know what the consequences were thereafter or if his mother sued the municipality or the league. But I do understand he did play again shortly after that unhappy event.

      Kids need to learn good sportsmanship and that helps lead to good citizenship. But the adult officials need to set the table properly as do parents. If youths fail to live up to the proper standards, then it is because adults fail to set a good example. I am glad to see that the coaches mentioned by Sarah's daughter did set a good example. Now let's hope all other coaches do the same.


      By the way, in my 20+ years of coaching baseball and softball I have tried to set a good example though by my own admission, I have fallen short of the ideal example. Luckily for me, one parent recently called me a good sportsman - that was nice to see! :)

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  3. Ha! By a shocking and unusual turn of events, I actually seen this audition! We never watch American Idol and so for some reason we did that night but just as he auditioned and so I never heard hers! I was thinking how ridiculous it was for her to blame it on him distracting the judges.

    I really do not like losing arguments and I rationalize that my husband just didn't understand my point or else he would have came to my side. This, of course, is something I have comitted to working on but I know I will always struggle in this way.

    One last thing, beings we are on the topic of tv shows, I have noticed that Pat Sajak can really say some dismissing things to Vanna when she is speaking at the end of the show and yet she shows eloquence and constantly smiles at him. If you contrast that with some female judges on the singing shows nowadays lol! I have watched her many times at the end of their show and remembered how stupid it is for me to get offended when my husband picks on me. I really like Vanna.

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  4. I have been thinking over this post lately. Specifically this part:

    "A husband and wife team came to audition together and compete with each other. Something I would highly advise a wife to NEVER do."

    I am curious about what you would suggest if the roles were reversed in a marriage and the wife had any undeniable talent where it was clear that she is far better than her husband. I understand not competing at a national level against him in something like american idol but what about more everyday stuff? If a wife is noticeably far better than her husband at something, should she not do it if it is obvious that it might affect his ego or affect him negatively in any way?

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    1. I answered you in a new post. If there was anything specific you wanted my opinion on, you can ask it there.

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  5. Why are worship leaders always effeminate/androgynous?

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